yellow world

....the rest of my life.

2010-08-03T00:16:00.004-04:00

I want to get married.

Wow. I think this is the first time I've every really said it.

NW

2010-07-27T23:13:00.003-04:00

Well I definitely hate winter....and I'm realizing that i hate the humid chicago summers as well. The northwest region is definitely suited best for me. Their weather is ideal. Doesn't get too hot or too cold. It's just right.

The past week I've been looking at apartments in Emeryville. The more and more I look, the more and more confident I feel toward that decision. Price range seems okay and just recently finding out that I might have a willing roommate would make my options even more great! But I won't hold my breath on wheels....

The only thing really holding me back is a job. Now to only get myself hired at pixar! But I think I'm done with the whole traveling for work, with the whole working production hours, with the whole freelancing. I want a steady mon-fri job. I want vacation time. I want my weekends. And I want my week nights! I guess we'll see. It is all in the works...

...to be continued.

disc hater

2010-07-01T01:34:00.002-04:00

I just couldn't believe my eyes. Do people still litter??

I would think, maybe in a more rural area, where it's less educated, or just that there is no strong push for "green" friendlies, it would be not as shocking to see. But I can't believe, in a big of a city that is Chicago, driving in a congested multi lane street, some guy decides to clean out his music case. He literally chucks a cd out the window. He wasn't even at a lane on an end, where his tossing would likely end up on the shoulder with other various debris. He was right smack dab in the middle lane. Was this cd that appalling? Was it taking up too much room in his car? Was it verbally abusing him? I'm just trying to understand what a grown ass man was thinking, in broad daylight, to have just thrown out a silver disc like he was tossing out a piece of lint.

Amazing.

he loves me....

2010-06-28T01:30:00.003-04:00

I realized this whole thing has been like that game with a flower. Where u pull out a petal at a time, alternating "he loves me...", "he loves me not..." In my case, i end up with the latter.

It's such a hard truth to swallow but I think he's finally gotten what he wants. For me to be out of his life, and for him not to be a part of mine. He's succeeded. I congratulate. Before he would hurt me so bad, and that was primarily because of surprise. It was something I wasn't expecting. I never thought he could do the things he's done to me. That's why the pain/betrayal hurt so badly. The difference with it now is it doesn't hurt. Because it doesn't surprise me anymore when he acts so heartless.

The irony of it all is I should have known. Right from the beginning when I had my intuition tell me otherwise. I had joked with him at the time that I didn't think he was a "nice" person. Again, a joke at the time. A premonition now? Quite possibly.

But you live and learn, right? Well I'm done beating myself about it. It's time to pick a new flower, hopefully a better one this time. Which would be one where I don't have to pluck the petals. I would just know as is.

3 days

2010-06-17T01:03:00.002-04:00

It took me 3 days to finally have everything hit me, to cry about it all. I don't have any regrets in what I did, letting it all go, letting him go. But the hurt is still there. I guess questions why still spin inside my head not wanting to settle down anytime soon. I wonder if he knows, I wonder if he's tried. I wonder what was he thinking? Why did it have to end like this? Why did he have to hurt me again? Was any of it real?

I realize getting any of these answers won't change a thing. It won't change the realities of heartbreak and breakups. It's all a process of life that some us go through. And it is cruel. I just keep telling myself to give one week. In one week I'll feel a whole lot better then I did before.

It's time to start it all over again...

...shame on me

2010-06-17T00:53:00.001-04:00

Today should have been just a normal day...

11:04am : I send FMT a text "hey good morning. is it raining by you?"

11:28am : FMT replies "it rained like fuck for a little bit, but stopped now. similar to my writing style. haha"

12noon: I send another text "do u think u can hangout a lil today?"

around 4:30 : No reply. I call FMT. No answer. Thought he was really focusing on his papers due for school.

around 7ish : Still no reply. I call FMT again. Thinking he'll be needing to take a break, see how he's doing. But no answer.

around 930pm : Still no reply. I send a text "Is everything ok?"

around 1030pm : Still no reply. I send another text "Hey! Anything wrong? You ok?? Did something happen? Im worried. Not rly sure if you're just rly in your school work. If so, just let me know?"

around 1130pm : Still no reply. I'm sure I also called one last time. And then sent a final text "I'm scared, I'm hoping you're ok??"

about 2am : FMT texts back "Out to get wasted, im okay headin home soon tired of work im okay"

After the initial feeling of relief that nothing bad had happened to him. The hurt creeped in. Then it was a slap in the face. That was the moment I realized how little I meant to him, always meant to him since this relationship has been rocky from the start. Is this how someone who wanted to get back together, patch things up, who gave me a whole speech about communication and working it out, who was completely sorry and said he made a mistake, is this how he's supposed to treat me? It was so obvious now. I think I was just trying to hold on to something that was fictional, a total make believe. In my heart I wanted it to be something it was not, or ever will be. I didn't cry. It was over. Maybe that's why I didn't shed any tears. I knew in my heart it was completely done between us. I know that I've done everything I could to make what I thought was important work in my life. I wasn't perfect, but at least I was trying. But it takes two people to try, to make it work. I'm really trying not to think about all of this, because I'll just get angry. And honestly, he doesn't deserve anymore feelings from me. But I just want to say, it was only 4 months after my mom passed away that I met him. FOUR MONTHS. When it was time for me to just heal and get back on my feet from a life changing event, this guy comes along with all this optimism, happiness, and caring nature but then just ends up taking me on an emotional roller coaster. I honestly don't know what kind of boyfriend he was to his previous girlfriends, but he surely sucked at being mine. But no more. I've had enough. We, ladies, deserve more, we deserve better. No more talking about him, no more thinking about him.

How's the phrase go? Fool me once, shame on you.....fool me twice.......3x, 4x......shame im a fuckin idiot....

rukh 10

2010-06-05T05:11:00.002-04:00

I finally got to see my friend's grave of 3 years. We had to walk around the grounds looking at every tombstone because the map they gave me wasn't very clear. After about 15 minutes of searching, my friend finds it and calls over to me. My stomach drops. I think a part of me was hoping we never find it. I thought that if I never saw it, then it wasn't real, he's not really gone. But he was, and there I was, standing above his grave. I couldn't hold back and the tears just started to flow. I was crying so much that my vision was blurry. I couldn't even see what color the grass was. But it was good to let go. That's exactly what I did. I realized in the midst of all the tears and pain, that it was my closure. I never went to his funeral. I couldn't. Maybe I didn't want to. It would have meant that he really was gone. That I would never see him, or hear his voice, but it was too soon for me to say goodbye. I wasn't ready. Are we ever?

I'm glad I came and saw you, erich. I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner, but you understand right? I wasn't ready to let you go. I miss you deeply always.

The Race

2010-06-02T04:06:00.002-04:00

I'm so afraid to feel optimistic. It seems every time I start to feel happy, something happens to bring me back to reality. But why can't happiness be the reality? I'm crossing my finger on this one.

FMT and I had our share of ups and downs. Just like in a horror movie, when you think it's all over, it's finally dead, it's the end, sure enough, the monster comes right back up for one last scare. That's how FMT and I have been. When we both thought we reached our end, it starts right back up. I constantly wonder why that is. Why can't either one of us call it quits? Why can't we go our separate ways? I like to think it's because there's something more substantial between us. That we both just need to do a lot of learning and shape shifting to keep this relationship alive and well.

I have things I need to change about myself. That I want to change about myself which is more important. When it comes to my feelings, I quit too easily, I know. I rather jump the gun, and beat everyone, if it means I can avoid getting hurt. Realization is always the 1st step right? But I also need a bit of support in order to try to improve on myself. I am indeed a girly girl. I need a guy that's attentive, affectionate, and just plain ole sweet to make me feel at ease, which in turn will make me feel more secure about the relationship. I'm sure other girls can completely relate. I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to get that, feel that, i want that. And I'm trying not to give up, but I also need to stay realistic and know when enough's finally enough. So I guess we'll see which comes first. (I'm rooting for the happier ending)

The Start

2010-05-20T10:24:00.002-04:00

I cried at the gym. Not because I had to exercise, even though that would be a good enough reason to shed some tears. But I saw a mother and daughter on the treadmill. The daughter got off the machine to grab some paper towels and walked back to hand some to her mom. It made me cry. Thank goodness my face was already soaked with sweat. But I was so jealous. I realized I will never even do the simplest things with my mom. It's going to be 2 years in Nov. Still early to feel fresh, but enough time has gone by to even see a new addition to our family. People have talked about "the club." And honestly that makes me feel better. To have others that know what it's like to lose a parent. Because you'll NEVER know til it happens to you. I still dream about her, not always good, but I'll take a million nightmares if it means that I'll see her face, even if it's for a second.

I need a retreat. I really want to go somewhere, by myself. maybe to reflect, maybe to find peace perhaps? Or just a start at least. I'm too lost right now. And with recent things that has happened to me this new year has definitely not helped. My outlook has drastically changed. Everything seems fake to me. Even my own self being. Again, I need to find my start, my steps forward to a better existence, even if it's within my oneself.

1

2010-03-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

Well today would have been one year. I was actually dreading this day for a couple of weeks now. Not wanting to think about it, deal with the disappointment it was going to let out. But here it is regardless. I think most of my day was spent just working, not thinking about it. But of course as soon as I got home, my brain started to wind up...

I just shrugged. What else is there that I can do but just to shrug. I've been reflecting our whole time together for the past 3 months now. How much more do I need to do it. Exactly. None. So I'm not. There's supposed to be a lesson learned. I'm still at a point where I dont know what that is exactly. But I know it'll come, and the shrugging will be less.

I am a fool

2010-03-21T13:54:00.003-04:00

Today's another tough stepping stone. Floods of emotions come and go. Sadness, then anger, hope then defeat. I know i've said one thing before, but now my feelings are changing, evolving each day to something different. It's time for me to let go.....and i am slowly. The more i realize the truth, the angrier i get. When I go back to past conversations we've had, I can't believe I didn't see all the signs. I was so naive. We were indeed never meant to be.

2010-02-14T19:41:00.003-05:00

Its Sunday evening, valentine's day, sitting home alone. Exactly how I should be I realized. There's a lot of healing that needs to be done with me, and I can't do that while constantly trying to stay busy with distractions. When I get just a moment with my thoughts, I feel like I'm going to collapse. Sometimes the pain, the betrayal, the sadness is unbearable. I know one day I'll look back at all this and realize its for the best, or why did I even waste my time, or how did I give so much. But to get to that point seems so out of reach. It seems impossible. But maybe today's just one of those bad days. And tomorrow will be better.

gypsie

2010-02-11T11:23:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it's almost a year since my last post. Well, actually I can now that I think about it. There has been many distractions since March 13 2009 that has kept me from here. And now I got myself trying to just find one to keep me busy. I've had my share of highs to match my lows.

Like most, I feel very lost. Why is it that there are so many of us in this same predicament? Are most of us incapable of being happy? Are we that complicated that our lives are always filled with uncertainity? Just in the last year, I've traveled to 4 cities, not including some I've gone back to twice, and definitely not including the crazy "10 cities in 30 days" aka vacation. Just with my job always having the potential of me traveling, and myself, just always traveling in general, I realize that might be partly why I am so unstable. I don't have a good footing as to where I am most grounded. I don't have "a home."

This isn't supposed to be a pity party. I apologize if this blog has come out that way. I am lucky to have and have done the things in my life. I have no regrets (mostly). I guess I'm just trying to find someone or something to hold onto my string, to keep me from floating away (again).

A Mirror Image

2009-03-13T01:12:00.005-04:00

Crazy thing just happened to me today. I've been talking to this guy, someone I've recently met, a stranger, a nobody. So for some time, we converse in emails (cuz that's all we exchanged at the time that we met). The emails were always harmless, the usual getting to know each other routine, talking about our day, commenting about each other's day, a little picking on one another and so on. Well tonight, this gentleman, we'll call him Chris (maybe cuz that is his real name), Chris here asks if I would like to see some of his pictures from his Aspen trip a month ago. Now keep in mind, he's a bit older, a bit more mature then I, well established as a successful banker or another. All I knew was that he made pretty good money to have gone to Aspen, Bora Bora and next is Ireland in a month. So of course, I'm wanting to see these fabulous pictorials. He asks very innocently, if i want to see the goofy ones too. Well of course I do! So he shoots me another email with 3 attachments.

1st pic was beautiful, I'm assuming it's him in the far background, skiing atop of a soft snowy mountain with an endless sea of identical mountains engulfed all around. It was breathtaking. Next photo was of Chris again, trying to juggle various musical instruments at a restaurant and acting silly. The 3rd is another one of Chris wearing his ski mask indoors but dressed only in a t-shirt and shorts being even sillier. Now, these all seemed like fine normal pictures. But then I went back to the 2nd. Not rly sure why, but I did, and there, I spotted the HUGE yet very subtle detail...........his left hand.............his left finger.............a ring! A good ol' solid gold band wrapped around the finger we all call "the ring finger." Hmm.......strange I thought and so of course, I confront him.

Needless to say, he was a bit speechless. He obviously didn't realize the ring was showing and/or that I was going to be that observant. But hey, I'm a woman, its in our bones. So after much fidgeting he says, "I'm not sure what to say." I respond, "how bout just the truth." So he explains, yes, its a wedding ring, and yes he is married BUT (u ladies knew there was a 'but' coming) BUT it's an unhappy marriage......and not rly a marriage, marriage. Now for most of you, you'd be down right upset by now. But, I have to defend him a little. He never technically hit on me, he never rly flirted with me or tried to see me again or get together..........at least YET. But right!!! Why did he even talk to me in the 1st place and why did he ask to exchange email addresses?

Of course, like the typical man, he's apologizing left and right, saying he wanted to tell me, thought about telling me, and that he wasn't sure what was happening exactly bt us. but I'll tell u what was happening, he wanted me to be "the other girl." But, I just simply replied, it's fine and that I just hope he figures out whatever he's trying to figure out and to take care. I just bowed out gracefully.

I know some of you are upset that I didnt do more, or say more to him. But rly, I wasnt upset at him, I was more.....hmmm.......humored u can say. I know it's not funny. But THIS happening to ME (and I should add the word "again") was pretty damn amusing. Especially happening tonight out of any other night. Maybe it's me, these kinds of things always seem to happen. I always get myself in situations with unavailable men. Guys with girlfriends and/or wives always come toward my direction. They seem to know how to always find me.

Chris isn't even the issue. He was just some guy I hardly knew, a stranger, a nobody. The bigger issue is that this, happening tonight, out of all nights, after going thru last night with *him. Is it merely a repeat, a mirror image, to show that the *other very similiar situation that happened, JUST the night before, is merely just as bad as this" bad news Chris" is? Am I supposed to sit back and be entertained at this ironic yet somewhat poetic night? How and why is this so similar to last night? What am I to make of all this? That, all the good guys are taken, and all the guys that are taken are rly just assholes camouflaged by their girlfriends?

So what should I do about *him, the other guy......

Dear Resolution...

2009-03-12T01:25:00.004-04:00

.....im failing already.

Belated New Year's Resolution

2009-03-11T05:02:00.008-04:00

First off, I cannot log into my original blog spot, so I guess this will be my new home. Anyone interested in reading any of my old stuff, check out http://kyungkim.blogspot.com/

Now.....it's been a long time. And with consistent insomnia, being 4 am on a Weds right now, my mind is in a whirlwind. Maybe that's why I cant sleep. All this constant thinking, and, thinking of the same shit over and over. It's getting old. It's becoming fermented shit, if that's even possible. So I figured, I need to do some spring cleaning as u may call it. I've decided to make a resolution for myself. Granted, its well into 2009, AND, I've probably made this resolution about 300x now. But this time it's different. Different perhaps because I am writing it down, and, for the whole world to see.

What am I cleaning up first u ask? What else but the men in my lives. Besides the lack of, I really need to cut myself off from these few guys that seem to linger in my life. And not linger in a "mmm still can smell the fresh cotton scent in my linens weeks later" way, but in the "wtf is that stench and why has it not left yet" kind of way. I consider myself to be a pretty smart lady. And I'm sure I can find some friends, maybe a handful that would agree. So why do I constantly set myself up to get rejected, one way or another? When I know these guys are "just not that into me" or deep inside, I know the inevitable of being let down will and do occur. The key word is "do" kids. Is it the consistent feeling of hope, even though minute in size, big on factor? Hmph! I'll never know. Nor do I care anymore to even find out. But what I do know is I need to let go, move on, get rid of ALL of these pestering male icons in my life. And regain my self assurance. I need to live by the words I preach to other singles, that it's okay to be alone. It's okay not to have anyone to call your own. It's okay not to get that attention and affection we all want and desire.............oh what the hell...................

fuck it.

Boot Camp (week 1)

2008-06-07T01:21:00.050-04:00

So as most of you know, a group of girls, lately called crazy, joined a boot camp. We did it to get fit, body & mind, and now more importantly, to see if we can do it. These chicas locas, aka Sam, Catina, Gaytra and i, Kim, finished week 1 out of 6, 4 days out of 24. We are all STILL breathing, moving, and in one piece. The 1st couple of days were brutal for most of us with post muscle soreness. Lots of soaking in epsom salt and marinating in tiger balm! I personally thought I was going to tear every strand of muscle in my legs! (would that make my thighs smaller at least?)

Anyhoo, no regrets here! At least not yet. Besides the initial pain, I think the girls will all agree that its thus far, one amazing experience we are having, and fortunate to be sharing altogether. I've created this blog for myself, as a diary of this extraordinary hurdle, as well as a way to share it with the rest of you lazy asses........i mean friends =) ENJOY!!!

Day 1: June 2 (Mon)
- every morning we warm up with a run

- immediately after, they taught us diff muscle training activities

- then they wanted to log how many pushups in 30 sec we can do

- the coaches always made sure we were doing the exercises properly & gave us great motivation

- next was sit ups in 30 sec

- then squats....GO GAYTRA!! BIKINI BIKINI BIKINI !!!

- THEN blurpees (dont be fooled by the funy cute name, this workout is far from cute!)

at the end of day 1, we were all feeling tired and sore, relieved and proud, worried and scared!

Day 2: (Tues)

- warmed up again with a mile run. most were sorer and slower. SHE must be a veteran >:(

- after our usual drills, and after our 8 min track run training, we were introduced to our 1st circuit. Groups of 4-5 at one station for 30 sec, then quickly rotating to another station that consisted of diff activities. There were 5 diff stations total. One was Slamball where u held anywhere from 10-20 lbs balls and then slammed down on the ground. Great for muscle toning, stress relieving, and fighting couples ;)

- there was also the Cowbell station where u swing anywhere from 10-50 lbs cowbell shaped objects between ur legs and out. Just be careful u dont let go of it during a swing!

- these are the resistance bands to work our arms. but we ALSO had to do squats at the same time. Didnt want the legs to feel neglected now. We had about 3 rounds of this til it was end of Day 2! Phew!

Day 3: (Thurs)

- this was a killer day, meaning they were trying to kill us. Again, after our normal warm up run, which was now on concrete UPHILL, they introduced us to the Tangela. Sounds yummy........well its NOT. This was another circuit course with 4 stations where we had to do 5 rounds for vets, 4 for newbies. We were also being timed.

- this station was to do...

10 8-count bodybuilders
20 spiderman planks
20 mt. Climbers each leg

(this is where i got my war wound on my arms)

- then 30 jumping rope, followed by 30 tuck jumps

- u also had to do 10 slamballs and then run up a flight of stairs and do the cross over lunges, then down the stairs to do some more cross over lunges.

- goal for the newbs were 4 rounds of all this, but most might not have made it. But we all survived it. And that was end of Doomsday 3.

Day 4: (Fri)

- another warmup run, quickly followed by our normal muscle exercises. Then we did pushups, situps, and lunges, each for 30 sec, 8 rounds each back to back. Quickly after, we learned the Tabata. A 3 man team circuit consisting of....

100 Diamond pushups

100 lunge steps

100 ankle taps

50 burpees

AND running halfway down the field and doing 20 moutain climbers each leg and running back!

Luckily we ended the day with something a little more fun. Another team game with 7 players each competing with one another.

- 1st was passing the weight ball back til everyone had a chance to be in front. Then the team quickly runs to the middle of the field and does team jumping jacks (30), team lunges (til next cone)

- My team was in the lead til the last stretch, when the team behind us, passed us in the final stage of the wheel barrel.

1 week down, 5 more to go!

Thank you all who have been very supportive. And check back to this blog for updates! And i encourage ppl to leave comments on here cuz the other ladies will be reading it. Give them luv <3 <3 <3 <3