....the rest of my life.

I want to get married.





Wow. I think this is the first time I've every really said it.

NW

Well I definitely hate winter....and I'm realizing that i hate the humid chicago summers as well. The northwest region is definitely suited best for me. Their weather is ideal. Doesn't get too hot or too cold. It's just right.

The past week I've been looking at apartments in Emeryville. The more and more I look, the more and more confident I feel toward that decision. Price range seems okay and just recently finding out that I might have a willing roommate would make my options even more great! But I won't hold my breath on wheels....

The only thing really holding me back is a job. Now to only get myself hired at pixar! But I think I'm done with the whole traveling for work, with the whole working production hours, with the whole freelancing. I want a steady mon-fri job. I want vacation time. I want my weekends. And I want my week nights! I guess we'll see. It is all in the works...

...to be continued.

disc hater

I just couldn't believe my eyes. Do people still litter??

I would think, maybe in a more rural area, where it's less educated, or just that there is no strong push for "green" friendlies, it would be not as shocking to see. But I can't believe, in a big of a city that is Chicago, driving in a congested multi lane street, some guy decides to clean out his music case. He literally chucks a cd out the window. He wasn't even at a lane on an end, where his tossing would likely end up on the shoulder with other various debris. He was right smack dab in the middle lane. Was this cd that appalling? Was it taking up too much room in his car? Was it verbally abusing him? I'm just trying to understand what a grown ass man was thinking, in broad daylight, to have just thrown out a silver disc like he was tossing out a piece of lint.

Amazing.

he loves me....

I realized this whole thing has been like that game with a flower. Where u pull out a petal at a time, alternating "he loves me...", "he loves me not..." In my case, i end up with the latter.

It's such a hard truth to swallow but I think he's finally gotten what he wants. For me to be out of his life, and for him not to be a part of mine. He's succeeded. I congratulate. Before he would hurt me so bad, and that was primarily because of surprise. It was something I wasn't expecting. I never thought he could do the things he's done to me. That's why the pain/betrayal hurt so badly. The difference with it now is it doesn't hurt. Because it doesn't surprise me anymore when he acts so heartless.

The irony of it all is I should have known. Right from the beginning when I had my intuition tell me otherwise. I had joked with him at the time that I didn't think he was a "nice" person. Again, a joke at the time. A premonition now? Quite possibly.

But you live and learn, right? Well I'm done beating myself about it. It's time to pick a new flower, hopefully a better one this time. Which would be one where I don't have to pluck the petals. I would just know as is.

3 days

It took me 3 days to finally have everything hit me, to cry about it all. I don't have any regrets in what I did, letting it all go, letting him go. But the hurt is still there. I guess questions why still spin inside my head not wanting to settle down anytime soon. I wonder if he knows, I wonder if he's tried. I wonder what was he thinking? Why did it have to end like this? Why did he have to hurt me again? Was any of it real?

I realize getting any of these answers won't change a thing. It won't change the realities of heartbreak and breakups. It's all a process of life that some us go through. And it is cruel. I just keep telling myself to give one week. In one week I'll feel a whole lot better then I did before.

It's time to start it all over again...

...shame on me

Today should have been just a normal day...


11:04am : I send FMT a text "hey good morning. is it raining by you?"

11:28am : FMT replies "it rained like fuck for a little bit, but stopped now. similar to my writing style. haha"

12noon: I send another text "do u think u can hangout a lil today?"







around 4:30 : No reply. I call FMT. No answer. Thought he was really focusing on his papers due for school.




around 7ish : Still no reply. I call FMT again. Thinking he'll be needing to take a break, see how he's doing. But no answer.



around 930pm : Still no reply. I send a text "Is everything ok?"


around 1030pm : Still no reply. I send another text "Hey! Anything wrong? You ok?? Did something happen? Im worried. Not rly sure if you're just rly in your school work. If so, just let me know?"


around 1130pm : Still no reply. I'm sure I also called one last time. And then sent a final text "I'm scared, I'm hoping you're ok??"









about 2am : FMT texts back "Out to get wasted, im okay headin home soon tired of work im okay"



After the initial feeling of relief that nothing bad had happened to him. The hurt creeped in. Then it was a slap in the face. That was the moment I realized how little I meant to him, always meant to him since this relationship has been rocky from the start. Is this how someone who wanted to get back together, patch things up, who gave me a whole speech about communication and working it out, who was completely sorry and said he made a mistake, is this how he's supposed to treat me? It was so obvious now. I think I was just trying to hold on to something that was fictional, a total make believe. In my heart I wanted it to be something it was not, or ever will be. I didn't cry. It was over. Maybe that's why I didn't shed any tears. I knew in my heart it was completely done between us. I know that I've done everything I could to make what I thought was important work in my life. I wasn't perfect, but at least I was trying. But it takes two people to try, to make it work. I'm really trying not to think about all of this, because I'll just get angry. And honestly, he doesn't deserve anymore feelings from me. But I just want to say, it was only 4 months after my mom passed away that I met him. FOUR MONTHS. When it was time for me to just heal and get back on my feet from a life changing event, this guy comes along with all this optimism, happiness, and caring nature but then just ends up taking me on an emotional roller coaster. I honestly don't know what kind of boyfriend he was to his previous girlfriends, but he surely sucked at being mine. But no more. I've had enough. We, ladies, deserve more, we deserve better. No more talking about him, no more thinking about him.

How's the phrase go? Fool me once, shame on you.....fool me twice.......3x, 4x......shame im a fuckin idiot....

rukh 10

I finally got to see my friend's grave of 3 years. We had to walk around the grounds looking at every tombstone because the map they gave me wasn't very clear. After about 15 minutes of searching, my friend finds it and calls over to me. My stomach drops. I think a part of me was hoping we never find it. I thought that if I never saw it, then it wasn't real, he's not really gone. But he was, and there I was, standing above his grave. I couldn't hold back and the tears just started to flow. I was crying so much that my vision was blurry. I couldn't even see what color the grass was. But it was good to let go. That's exactly what I did. I realized in the midst of all the tears and pain, that it was my closure. I never went to his funeral. I couldn't. Maybe I didn't want to. It would have meant that he really was gone. That I would never see him, or hear his voice, but it was too soon for me to say goodbye. I wasn't ready. Are we ever?

I'm glad I came and saw you, erich. I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner, but you understand right? I wasn't ready to let you go. I miss you deeply always.