The Start

I cried at the gym. Not because I had to exercise, even though that would be a good enough reason to shed some tears. But I saw a mother and daughter on the treadmill. The daughter got off the machine to grab some paper towels and walked back to hand some to her mom. It made me cry. Thank goodness my face was already soaked with sweat. But I was so jealous. I realized I will never even do the simplest things with my mom. It's going to be 2 years in Nov. Still early to feel fresh, but enough time has gone by to even see a new addition to our family. People have talked about "the club." And honestly that makes me feel better. To have others that know what it's like to lose a parent. Because you'll NEVER know til it happens to you. I still dream about her, not always good, but I'll take a million nightmares if it means that I'll see her face, even if it's for a second.

I need a retreat. I really want to go somewhere, by myself. maybe to reflect, maybe to find peace perhaps? Or just a start at least. I'm too lost right now. And with recent things that has happened to me this new year has definitely not helped. My outlook has drastically changed. Everything seems fake to me. Even my own self being. Again, I need to find my start, my steps forward to a better existence, even if it's within my oneself.