The Race

I'm so afraid to feel optimistic. It seems every time I start to feel happy, something happens to bring me back to reality. But why can't happiness be the reality? I'm crossing my finger on this one.

FMT and I had our share of ups and downs. Just like in a horror movie, when you think it's all over, it's finally dead, it's the end, sure enough, the monster comes right back up for one last scare. That's how FMT and I have been. When we both thought we reached our end, it starts right back up. I constantly wonder why that is. Why can't either one of us call it quits? Why can't we go our separate ways? I like to think it's because there's something more substantial between us. That we both just need to do a lot of learning and shape shifting to keep this relationship alive and well.

I have things I need to change about myself. That I want to change about myself which is more important. When it comes to my feelings, I quit too easily, I know. I rather jump the gun, and beat everyone, if it means I can avoid getting hurt. Realization is always the 1st step right? But I also need a bit of support in order to try to improve on myself. I am indeed a girly girl. I need a guy that's attentive, affectionate, and just plain ole sweet to make me feel at ease, which in turn will make me feel more secure about the relationship. I'm sure other girls can completely relate. I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to get that, feel that, i want that. And I'm trying not to give up, but I also need to stay realistic and know when enough's finally enough. So I guess we'll see which comes first. (I'm rooting for the happier ending)