rukh 10

I finally got to see my friend's grave of 3 years. We had to walk around the grounds looking at every tombstone because the map they gave me wasn't very clear. After about 15 minutes of searching, my friend finds it and calls over to me. My stomach drops. I think a part of me was hoping we never find it. I thought that if I never saw it, then it wasn't real, he's not really gone. But he was, and there I was, standing above his grave. I couldn't hold back and the tears just started to flow. I was crying so much that my vision was blurry. I couldn't even see what color the grass was. But it was good to let go. That's exactly what I did. I realized in the midst of all the tears and pain, that it was my closure. I never went to his funeral. I couldn't. Maybe I didn't want to. It would have meant that he really was gone. That I would never see him, or hear his voice, but it was too soon for me to say goodbye. I wasn't ready. Are we ever?

I'm glad I came and saw you, erich. I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner, but you understand right? I wasn't ready to let you go. I miss you deeply always.