...shame on me

Today should have been just a normal day...


11:04am : I send FMT a text "hey good morning. is it raining by you?"

11:28am : FMT replies "it rained like fuck for a little bit, but stopped now. similar to my writing style. haha"

12noon: I send another text "do u think u can hangout a lil today?"







around 4:30 : No reply. I call FMT. No answer. Thought he was really focusing on his papers due for school.




around 7ish : Still no reply. I call FMT again. Thinking he'll be needing to take a break, see how he's doing. But no answer.



around 930pm : Still no reply. I send a text "Is everything ok?"


around 1030pm : Still no reply. I send another text "Hey! Anything wrong? You ok?? Did something happen? Im worried. Not rly sure if you're just rly in your school work. If so, just let me know?"


around 1130pm : Still no reply. I'm sure I also called one last time. And then sent a final text "I'm scared, I'm hoping you're ok??"









about 2am : FMT texts back "Out to get wasted, im okay headin home soon tired of work im okay"



After the initial feeling of relief that nothing bad had happened to him. The hurt creeped in. Then it was a slap in the face. That was the moment I realized how little I meant to him, always meant to him since this relationship has been rocky from the start. Is this how someone who wanted to get back together, patch things up, who gave me a whole speech about communication and working it out, who was completely sorry and said he made a mistake, is this how he's supposed to treat me? It was so obvious now. I think I was just trying to hold on to something that was fictional, a total make believe. In my heart I wanted it to be something it was not, or ever will be. I didn't cry. It was over. Maybe that's why I didn't shed any tears. I knew in my heart it was completely done between us. I know that I've done everything I could to make what I thought was important work in my life. I wasn't perfect, but at least I was trying. But it takes two people to try, to make it work. I'm really trying not to think about all of this, because I'll just get angry. And honestly, he doesn't deserve anymore feelings from me. But I just want to say, it was only 4 months after my mom passed away that I met him. FOUR MONTHS. When it was time for me to just heal and get back on my feet from a life changing event, this guy comes along with all this optimism, happiness, and caring nature but then just ends up taking me on an emotional roller coaster. I honestly don't know what kind of boyfriend he was to his previous girlfriends, but he surely sucked at being mine. But no more. I've had enough. We, ladies, deserve more, we deserve better. No more talking about him, no more thinking about him.

How's the phrase go? Fool me once, shame on you.....fool me twice.......3x, 4x......shame im a fuckin idiot....