The Race

I'm so afraid to feel optimistic. It seems every time I start to feel happy, something happens to bring me back to reality. But why can't happiness be the reality? I'm crossing my finger on this one.

FMT and I had our share of ups and downs. Just like in a horror movie, when you think it's all over, it's finally dead, it's the end, sure enough, the monster comes right back up for one last scare. That's how FMT and I have been. When we both thought we reached our end, it starts right back up. I constantly wonder why that is. Why can't either one of us call it quits? Why can't we go our separate ways? I like to think it's because there's something more substantial between us. That we both just need to do a lot of learning and shape shifting to keep this relationship alive and well.

I have things I need to change about myself. That I want to change about myself which is more important. When it comes to my feelings, I quit too easily, I know. I rather jump the gun, and beat everyone, if it means I can avoid getting hurt. Realization is always the 1st step right? But I also need a bit of support in order to try to improve on myself. I am indeed a girly girl. I need a guy that's attentive, affectionate, and just plain ole sweet to make me feel at ease, which in turn will make me feel more secure about the relationship. I'm sure other girls can completely relate. I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to get that, feel that, i want that. And I'm trying not to give up, but I also need to stay realistic and know when enough's finally enough. So I guess we'll see which comes first. (I'm rooting for the happier ending)

The Start

I cried at the gym. Not because I had to exercise, even though that would be a good enough reason to shed some tears. But I saw a mother and daughter on the treadmill. The daughter got off the machine to grab some paper towels and walked back to hand some to her mom. It made me cry. Thank goodness my face was already soaked with sweat. But I was so jealous. I realized I will never even do the simplest things with my mom. It's going to be 2 years in Nov. Still early to feel fresh, but enough time has gone by to even see a new addition to our family. People have talked about "the club." And honestly that makes me feel better. To have others that know what it's like to lose a parent. Because you'll NEVER know til it happens to you. I still dream about her, not always good, but I'll take a million nightmares if it means that I'll see her face, even if it's for a second.

I need a retreat. I really want to go somewhere, by myself. maybe to reflect, maybe to find peace perhaps? Or just a start at least. I'm too lost right now. And with recent things that has happened to me this new year has definitely not helped. My outlook has drastically changed. Everything seems fake to me. Even my own self being. Again, I need to find my start, my steps forward to a better existence, even if it's within my oneself.

1

Well today would have been one year. I was actually dreading this day for a couple of weeks now. Not wanting to think about it, deal with the disappointment it was going to let out. But here it is regardless. I think most of my day was spent just working, not thinking about it. But of course as soon as I got home, my brain started to wind up...

I just shrugged. What else is there that I can do but just to shrug. I've been reflecting our whole time together for the past 3 months now. How much more do I need to do it. Exactly. None. So I'm not. There's supposed to be a lesson learned. I'm still at a point where I dont know what that is exactly. But I know it'll come, and the shrugging will be less.

I am a fool

Today's another tough stepping stone. Floods of emotions come and go. Sadness, then anger, hope then defeat. I know i've said one thing before, but now my feelings are changing, evolving each day to something different. It's time for me to let go.....and i am slowly. The more i realize the truth, the angrier i get. When I go back to past conversations we've had, I can't believe I didn't see all the signs. I was so naive. We were indeed never meant to be.

Its Sunday evening, valentine's day, sitting home alone. Exactly how I should be I realized. There's a lot of healing that needs to be done with me, and I can't do that while constantly trying to stay busy with distractions. When I get just a moment with my thoughts, I feel like I'm going to collapse. Sometimes the pain, the betrayal, the sadness is unbearable. I know one day I'll look back at all this and realize its for the best, or why did I even waste my time, or how did I give so much. But to get to that point seems so out of reach. It seems impossible. But maybe today's just one of those bad days. And tomorrow will be better.

gypsie

I can't believe it's almost a year since my last post. Well, actually I can now that I think about it. There has been many distractions since March 13 2009 that has kept me from here. And now I got myself trying to just find one to keep me busy. I've had my share of highs to match my lows.

Like most, I feel very lost. Why is it that there are so many of us in this same predicament? Are most of us incapable of being happy? Are we that complicated that our lives are always filled with uncertainity? Just in the last year, I've traveled to 4 cities, not including some I've gone back to twice, and definitely not including the crazy "10 cities in 30 days" aka vacation. Just with my job always having the potential of me traveling, and myself, just always traveling in general, I realize that might be partly why I am so unstable. I don't have a good footing as to where I am most grounded. I don't have "a home."

This isn't supposed to be a pity party. I apologize if this blog has come out that way. I am lucky to have and have done the things in my life. I have no regrets (mostly). I guess I'm just trying to find someone or something to hold onto my string, to keep me from floating away (again).

A Mirror Image

Crazy thing just happened to me today. I've been talking to this guy, someone I've recently met, a stranger, a nobody. So for some time, we converse in emails (cuz that's all we exchanged at the time that we met). The emails were always harmless, the usual getting to know each other routine, talking about our day, commenting about each other's day, a little picking on one another and so on. Well tonight, this gentleman, we'll call him Chris (maybe cuz that is his real name), Chris here asks if I would like to see some of his pictures from his Aspen trip a month ago. Now keep in mind, he's a bit older, a bit more mature then I, well established as a successful banker or another. All I knew was that he made pretty good money to have gone to Aspen, Bora Bora and next is Ireland in a month. So of course, I'm wanting to see these fabulous pictorials. He asks very innocently, if i want to see the goofy ones too. Well of course I do! So he shoots me another email with 3 attachments.

1st pic was beautiful, I'm assuming it's him in the far background, skiing atop of a soft snowy mountain with an endless sea of identical mountains engulfed all around. It was breathtaking. Next photo was of Chris again, trying to juggle various musical instruments at a restaurant and acting silly. The 3rd is another one of Chris wearing his ski mask indoors but dressed only in a t-shirt and shorts being even sillier. Now, these all seemed like fine normal pictures. But then I went back to the 2nd. Not rly sure why, but I did, and there, I spotted the HUGE yet very subtle detail...........his left hand.............his left finger.............a ring! A good ol' solid gold band wrapped around the finger we all call "the ring finger." Hmm.......strange I thought and so of course, I confront him.

Needless to say, he was a bit speechless. He obviously didn't realize the ring was showing and/or that I was going to be that observant. But hey, I'm a woman, its in our bones. So after much fidgeting he says, "I'm not sure what to say." I respond, "how bout just the truth." So he explains, yes, its a wedding ring, and yes he is married BUT (u ladies knew there was a 'but' coming) BUT it's an unhappy marriage......and not rly a marriage, marriage. Now for most of you, you'd be down right upset by now. But, I have to defend him a little. He never technically hit on me, he never rly flirted with me or tried to see me again or get together..........at least YET. But right!!! Why did he even talk to me in the 1st place and why did he ask to exchange email addresses?

Of course, like the typical man, he's apologizing left and right, saying he wanted to tell me, thought about telling me, and that he wasn't sure what was happening exactly bt us. but I'll tell u what was happening, he wanted me to be "the other girl." But, I just simply replied, it's fine and that I just hope he figures out whatever he's trying to figure out and to take care. I just bowed out gracefully.

I know some of you are upset that I didnt do more, or say more to him. But rly, I wasnt upset at him, I was more.....hmmm.......humored u can say. I know it's not funny. But THIS happening to ME (and I should add the word "again") was pretty damn amusing. Especially happening tonight out of any other night. Maybe it's me, these kinds of things always seem to happen. I always get myself in situations with unavailable men. Guys with girlfriends and/or wives always come toward my direction. They seem to know how to always find me.

Chris isn't even the issue. He was just some guy I hardly knew, a stranger, a nobody. The bigger issue is that this, happening tonight, out of all nights, after going thru last night with *him. Is it merely a repeat, a mirror image, to show that the *other very similiar situation that happened, JUST the night before, is merely just as bad as this" bad news Chris" is? Am I supposed to sit back and be entertained at this ironic yet somewhat poetic night? How and why is this so similar to last night? What am I to make of all this? That, all the good guys are taken, and all the guys that are taken are rly just assholes camouflaged by their girlfriends?

So what should I do about *him, the other guy......